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I like to think I lead a pretty average life. I guess that sounds relatively boring but I’m not a fan of drama and chaos so it works for me. I work, cook, deal with teenagers, yell at the dog to stop barking (because that works, right?) and try to keep the house clean enough that I don’t trip and break an ankle when I get up in the middle of the night to pee. I do that a lot now that I’ve hit middle age. I’ve decided as I browse through my Pinterest feed that Pinterest thinks I have way more free time than I actually do. I wish I had enough time to do the shit that keeps popping up in my feed just so that I could say my life was full of excitement. Or at least full of something other than stained shirts and dog vomit.
I could spend hours gluing tiny Legos to a pair of high heels because I have 6 hours to waste doing that. And Lego heels match with my yoga pants, right? That’s just a waste of perfectly good Legos.
I could tie up my food artistically just so I could take a picture of it. Sorry, food bondage is just not my thing. I do a lot of food photography for my blogs but it tends to look just like it does when I sit down to eat it. Oh sure, I’ll throw a piece of parsley on top but nobody is going to look at my food photos and mistake them for art.
Toilet paper origami. Really Pinterest? Are you freaking insane? I can’t even get people in this house to put a full roll of toilet paper back on the empty spool doohickey. You think I have time to shape that new roll of toilet paper into an origami flower? Just so that the next time someone goes in to take crap they have a toilet paper flower to wipe their butt with? I don’t think so. They will have to make do with a balled up roll of paper like the rest of us.
Okay, this last one is not only disturbing but seriously unsanitary. Who the hell wraps their toilet seat in a crocheted cover? Yes, my ass is cold at 4 AM when I get up to pee. No, I am not going to wrap said toilet seat in a cozy yarn covering just to keep it warm for the 30 seconds it takes me to pee. Not to mention that the non females in this house would just pee all over it.
I am starting to think that my life is seriously lame. Are there really people out there doing toilet paper origami and knitting tiny toilet seat covers? Are your children being fed? Do you have a maid? Because unless someone clones me I can promise you I am not going to be walking around in Lego heels holding granola bars that are wrapped in twine.
I wear many hats in this thing called life. I am a science geek, an introvert, a busy mother of teens and slightly neurotic about dirty dishes. I used to have a really important sounding job in cancer research when I decided to give it all up to be a stay at home mom. I played with Playdough, colored pictures of Barbies and freaked out when the baby ate dog food. Then the second kid came along and I started to think dog food might have nutritional value. What is Fractionated Living? It is me…divided by work, life, kids, marriage, and hobbies and trying to come up with the answer to life.